walls crack, waves wash, love lives
I think we’re scared to reach for goodness and truth-we’re scared that truth will roll in like tsunamis, ready to purge distraction to see what’s left. We’re scared of what’s left. That maybe what’s left isn’t enough, like I’m not enough. And God says no, this is goodness and truth. What’s left is the space that separates you from Me, come. Waves roll, wash me to Him, heart resuscitated beating with peace. This story, your story? He knows the end and it’s good.
When you’re at the bottom of your umph…
I remember pouring over parenting magazines, books, and every pamphlet I could find-bedrest during pregnancy after years of infertility treatment offered lots of reading time. And while it seemed 40 weeks would never arrive and I faithfully memorized all the reading material, 𝗶𝘁 𝗵𝗶𝘁𝘀 𝗱𝗶𝗳𝗳𝗲𝗿𝗲𝗻𝘁 𝘄𝗵𝗲𝗻 𝘆𝗼𝘂’𝗿𝗲 𝗮𝗰𝘁𝘂𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝗵𝗼𝗹𝗱𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗲𝗻 𝗽𝗼𝘂𝗻𝗱𝘀 𝗼𝗳 𝗰𝗿𝘆𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗯𝗮𝗯𝘆.
I stopped putting out fires & started kindling them
I’m not a patient person by nature. I’m more of a go in, see the problem, fix it the quickest/most efficient way, take a deep breath, carry on, rinse, repeat. My husband calls it being a fire put-er outer.
just 5 minutes
You’ll notice I write A LOT about nature. There’s a reason why.
In 2012, I read a blog post that shared the physical and emotional benefits of being outside in fresh open air. The post was moving and convincing. At the end of the post, the author challenged to go outside for five minutes, that it could change my life. That was it. Just five minutes.
Those five minutes did indeed change my life and the lives of my children as well.
in my experience, fear will try to drown you
I can’t even begin to tell you how many conversations with my husband have started with the phrase “𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘐 𝘥𝘪𝘥 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘨𝘰 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘰𝘮.”
I’m not talking about sitting in there elaborately fixing hair and make up. I’m talking about just a really quick, just a second, kind of deal. At the time, we had no TV to babysit the children and they really were happily swinging on a swing set (𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘳𝘦𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦, 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘨𝘦𝘴 5-13). It felt harmless-big words for this helicopter mama.
𝙄 𝙩𝙝𝙤𝙪𝙜𝙝𝙩 𝙖𝙡𝙡 𝙬𝙤𝙪𝙡𝙙 𝙗𝙚 𝙤𝙠𝙖𝙮.
don’t do life alone
The day that I thought a shower plus hair wash plus shaving all on the same day was a luxury 𝙨𝙝𝙤𝙪𝙡𝙙 have been thoroughly eye opening and disappointing.
it’s okay to be angry-just don’t live there
When someone asked me a decade ago why I wasn’t already writing for special needs parents, my gut response wasn’t pretty. It was honest, but not pretty at all. I was scared to write for special needs families. To be able to write in a way that addresses the very real pain points in a way that could be encouraging would mean I’d need to deal with my own pain as a special needs parent. I’d need to dig deep and digging deep can unbury a lot of unpretty things.
the turning
The day had started rough. There had been words about college application essays, consonant blends(the “r” can be brutal, yes?), morning chores not done, and a bike that had brakes removed and thrown away(that one still does not make sense, but I digress).
radiant
In our day to day lives, there are moments that are fleeting and there are some moments that, even though seemingly small, make a huge impact. Words are such a thing. They have a weight and depth so deep they can barely be held...and yet they hold us, nurture us, breathe emotion to us.
how mama bear was born
𝑀𝑎𝑚𝑎 𝐵𝑒𝑎𝑟 𝑤𝑎𝑠 𝑏𝑜𝑟𝑛 𝑜𝑛 𝑎 𝑐𝑜𝑙𝑑 𝑇ℎ𝑢𝑟𝑠𝑑𝑎𝑦 𝑖𝑛 𝐽𝑎𝑛𝑢𝑎𝑟𝑦, wind chilling to the bone, a small babe held bundled and protected from weather as we gathered to bring him home.
This week, he is officially an adult-it all happened too fast.
in my experience, fear will try to drown you
Fear would have loved to drown me that morning and fear would love to grip and drown you at the most tender places of your heart, too.
rise
I opened a text from my husband & saw a picture of our 𝑆𝑤𝑒𝑒𝑡 𝑃𝑒𝑎𝑐𝑒(we name our houses) engulfed. This once tiny treasure, this little slice of holy we were blessed to inhabit for five years, was being dismantled by flames to create space for a new dwelling place.
It had been a safe place away from the hustle & bustle where our boy could heal, our marriage restore, our souls revive.
Our lives had fallen apart & then, at 𝑆𝑤𝑒𝑒𝑡 𝑃𝑒𝑎𝑐𝑒, it fell into place. We rose as God transformed the ashes of a holy ground into a plume of sheer beauty & grace that still has us gobsmacked. When we arrived at 𝑆𝑤𝑒𝑒𝑡 𝑃𝑒𝑎𝑐𝑒, our life felt like drowning fire, choking like smoke, burning the eyes, & trying to steal oxygen.
We fought hard for any peace in those flames, clawing until we found a glimmer of light, & chased the silver linings like a daily methodical manna.
𝑇ℎ𝑒 ℎ𝑎𝑟𝑑𝑒𝑠𝑡 𝑝𝑒𝑎𝑐𝑒 𝑐𝑎𝑛 𝑟𝑖𝑠𝑒 𝑡𝑜 𝑏𝑒𝑐𝑜𝑚𝑒 𝑦𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝑠𝑤𝑒𝑒𝑡𝑒𝑠𝑡 𝑗𝑜𝑦.
I ran away…
Iᴛ ᴡᴀs ᴀ Tᴜᴇsᴅᴀʏ ᴀғᴛᴇʀɴᴏᴏɴ ᴀɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ᴛɪʀᴇᴅɴᴇss ᴡᴀs ʜᴇᴀᴘᴇᴅ ʜɪɢʜ ᴏᴠᴇʀ ᴍᴇ. 𝐒𝐨, 𝐈 𝐫𝐚𝐧 𝐚𝐰𝐚𝐲. I’ᴍ ɴᴏᴛ ᴇᴍʙᴀʀʀᴀssᴇᴅ ᴏʀ ᴇᴠᴇɴ ʀᴇᴍᴏᴛᴇʟʏ ᴀsʜᴀᴍᴇᴅ.
Lɪғᴇ ɪs ᴛᴏᴏ sʜᴏʀᴛ ᴛᴏ sᴘᴇɴᴅ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴅᴀʏ ᴀᴛ ᴡᴀʀ ᴡɪᴛʜ ʏᴏᴜʀ ʟɪғᴇ-ᴍᴀᴋᴇ ᴘᴇᴀᴄᴇ.
just look up
𝐼𝑡 𝑤𝑎𝑠 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑐𝑜𝑙𝑑 𝑚𝑖𝑑𝑑𝑙𝑒 𝑜𝑓 𝑎 𝑛𝑖𝑔ℎ𝑡 𝑠ℎ𝑖𝑓𝑡 & 𝐼 𝑤𝑎𝑠 𝑐ℎ𝑒𝑐𝑘𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑖𝑛 𝑎 𝑦𝑜𝑢𝑛𝑔 𝑔𝑖𝑟𝑙 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝐷𝑜𝑤𝑛’𝑠 𝑠𝑦𝑛𝑑𝑟𝑜𝑚𝑒 𝑖𝑛𝑡𝑜 𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝑝𝑒𝑑𝑖𝑎𝑡𝑟𝑖𝑐 𝐸𝑅. While walking her & her father back to her room, she paused at the artwork on the wall. The automatic doors 𝒐𝒑𝒆𝒏𝒆𝒅 & 𝒄𝒍𝒐𝒔𝒆𝒅 𝒂 ғᴇᴡ 𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆𝒔 while we waited as she smiled intently at the art. Without skipping a beat, her father lightheartedly chuckled that ʜᴇ’ᴅ ʟᴇᴀʀɴᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ ᴇɴᴊᴏʏ ʜɪs sᴜʀʀᴏᴜɴᴅɪɴɢs ᴍᴏʀᴇ ʙᴇᴄᴀᴜsᴇ ʜɪs ᴅᴀᴜɢʜᴛᴇʀ sᴛᴏᴘᴘᴇᴅ & ᴇɴᴊᴏʏᴇᴅ ʟɪғᴇ along the way instead of rushing from place to place.
just five minutes
𝐈 had 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐟𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐮𝐭𝐞𝐬 could 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞 𝐚 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞.
The year was 2012 and Ann Voskamp said I needed to walk five minutes of fresh oxygen into my cells each day(full disclosure: it was her blog post that told me-those daily blog posts coming to my phone were a lifeline). I’d been breathing through a cracked open window for two weeks in tiny snippets by that point and the idea of fresh air felt like a heap of timid amazing.
no, this is important, this matters
𝑰 𝒎𝒆𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒍𝒂𝒅𝒚 𝒂𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒑𝒂𝒓𝒌. She walked up seemingly from out of nowhere and struck up conversation like we were long lost bffs. Before I knew it, her son had invited us to his birthday party at the park picnic shelter and his mama insisted we come, but no gifts necessary, she just wanted her boy to have friends at his party.