when love lessons land

*There are several scriptural references that have been life breathing throughout my life. I have included some in this writing with the hope that if you are searching or seeking, these verses will bless you as much as they have me. The verses are listed below and are from the KJV translation.

We all experience the pulls of craving belonging and purpose. This is about the day I met mine.

In the Bible, we are told that to everything there is a time, a place, a purpose. That everything is beautiful in its time. That for such a time as this, we were placed upon the earth. The beauty of those words for so long felt vintaged and pedestaled-unreachable and unobtainable.

Growing up within a unsteady childhood, I often felt unloved, unwanted, unworthy, and alone. After receiving Jesus into my heart, I unrelentingly sought love and worthiness, but sheathed under perfectionism. The perfectionism slowly became a guise for a prideful and controlling spirit, a throne of inflated self that was internally being worshiped. It was a reality that needed to turn around. Patiently and consistently, a gracious God pursued me until I finally pursued Him.

It was a Sunday morning in October of 2012. The children were finally dressed, the husband was freshly shaven...and I’m a mess. I was behind a closed, locked bathroom door with family obliviously finishing breakfast. We had been searching for a church home, a place to feed our broken souls, a place to seek Him. And I was sitting on the edge of the bathtub, shaking, too fearful to move, begging God to provide a home where my soul would be nourished-a place of humble, realistic, honest nourishment. I was starving inside, clueless who I was. The years of perfectionism had fought a crumbling marriage, fertility struggles, life-changing childhood illness, and failing health. My self-placed heart armor had dissolved in much needed humility and I was learning to search hard and ask myself uneasy questions. I became apparent that I needed to be honest enough with myself to realize this was a spiritual issue. I had to be willing to realize that this wasn’t merely a physical battle, but an intense spiritual war and I would need God’s hands to guide me. It was hard spiritual detox that required God to purge the heaps of selfishness from me.

There were dysfunctional generational cycles that had to be broken and forgiveness to be given. A beautifully scary freedom was born.

The coming weeks brought warm autumn days and leaves blazing with majesty. There was an afternoon I felt the sun warming my back. As I glanced over to our third son, he was stretching his out his arms like a cross and I hit me as to what happens when we place our backs to the Son. The darkened out-linings of our flesh illuminate; and while we might feel the warmth of the sun, but we are truthfully and intentionally turned away to its presence. To pursue Him, I would have to choose to turn, choose to follow His directions, choose to face that warmth. That first step, that intentional turning around, was a holy moment. Something changed, and my soul felt the surge of a heart-beating peace.

So often, I’ve wondered, what took me so long? How many days did I certainly waste? To that, I really do not know. But of one thing I am certain. God is good all the time, in all things, according to his His plan. I’m so thankful for His love, His guidance, His protection. I am still daily overwhelmed in His grace.  I believe His timing. I’m eternally thankful for His love lessons.

Scriptural references: Ecclesiastes 3, Esther 4:14, 1 Corinthians 3:11, Romans 11:5-6, Proverbs 19:21, Proverbs 16:9,18, Habakkuk 2:18-20, 1 Corinthians 10:21, Luke 16:32, Luke 12:34, Luke 15:4, Jeremiah 29:13, Hebrews 12:11, 1 Peter 5:7, 2 Chronicles 20:9, Revelation 21:6, 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, Psalms 144:1, Proverbs 14:30a, Isaiah 55:8-13, James 4:8, Daniel 4:37, Psalms 46:5, Isaiah 54:10, Isaiah 58:9, Psalms 29:11, Malachi 4:2, Psalms 30:11-12, 1 Kings 19:12, Isaiah 30:18, Isaiah 43:2, Luke 15:20, Luke 24:8, Acts 7:33, Nehemiah 8:11, Psalms 19:14, Hebrews 6:17-20, 1 Peter 3:15, Lamentations 3:22-26, Micah 6:8, Psalms 116:1-2