the lie of perfectionism
I saw someone from high school...that still looked just as beautiful as she did almost three decades ago. I know looks are superficial, but I was gutted. Her clothes matched, makeup looked magazine worthy, hair and nails totally on trend, her daughter even coordinated. My mancubs? They were in the van bickering. So, yep, there’s that truth too.
I felt like a total failure as a wife, mom, woman. What happened? Why had I gone from ready to take on the world to feeling its heaviness?
When I looked at her, my mind went straight to: this is what you could’ve had, you should’ve had, a million other pondering thoughts of discontent. My motherhood felt toxic, lacking hope, missing joy. That if my kiddos didn’t check off every perfect box, that’d I’d missed the mark on that as well. Those thoughts though? God does not play favorites with His promises & the enemy does not play favorites with lies. Be wise in which voice you listen to.
God does not play favorites with His promises & the enemy does not play favorites with lies. Be wise in which voice you listen to.
“If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.” James 1:5
What if the very premise I’d designed my life around was a lie? Were the contents of my heart bringing contentment or contention?
What if the very premise I’d designed my life around was a lie? Were the contents of my heart bringing contentment or contention? The fears we feel aren’t always a raging roar, but often the quiet shake of ache for a perfecting we cannot attain independent of a savior.
One side of my family is a long line of brilliant people who didn’t learn how to use their words to affirm one another. A potentially beautiful branch of our family tree shrouded by bottles and fists. Their hurts and heartaches manifesting in cracking rage. And hurt people hurt people. Holding that hurt without it spilling out and onto others feels heavy. Hiding hurt when you’ve been taught that good girls smile no matter what? That will furrow wrinkles in your heart, not just your forehead.
But how do you grow a healthy branch, how do you grow roots so deep that you can bend where needed without breaking? I needed to know.
What I discovered is that perfectionism on earth is a lie from the pit of hell. No reason to mince words on this, tiptoeing around this hasn’t helped any of us. No earthly family is without flaws and earthly roots can only run so deep. Understanding our past helps us understand how to approach the future.
But, for a tree to heal, you have go back to its roots, understand what nutrients are missing, start giving the soil the nutrients it needs, water gently and steady and purposeful. You can try patchwork on the tree all you want, but healing and growth require more than bandaid work. You must honor your soul and deal with the not dealt with grief. You must yield to truth as the foundation. It isn’t easy-things that matter are hard.
We are either walking toward destruction or walking toward repair. I chose repair.
I’ve wondered if adulthood was our chance to make sense of and mend the heartbreaks of childhood. A chance to take the storms, brace ourselves firmly, prepare to see the coming rainbow, a chance to insure that we don’t repeat the sins of our ancestors. Adulthood is a chance to understand that though we may walk through valleys, those valleys were never meant to be our permanent home. And while embracing grace may feel awkward and clumsy at times, it is a foundational catalyst for healing.
The upright are upright from head to heel. I realized that place I felt the tallest and safest was bowed head to heel at the foot of the a cross-shaped tree. That that is where I’d find the needed nourishment to heal my branch.
“But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”” James 4:6
True refining couldn’t come from a world filled with spinning static. I needed refining from the love of a Heavenly Father that would move heaven and earth to shelter my heart. I needed to be surrounded and saturated with the glorious scandal of grace.
What I had to come to terms with is that polished pretty isn’t the goal. Holy is.
Emotions may try to intersect between head and heart. It’s rebellion to embrace grace.
Emotions may try to intersect between head and heart. It’s rebellion to embrace grace. It’s an out of the box idea- that despite my radical emotions, I can lean into radical grace. Jesus freely offers grace and hope and love. The greatest life partner you’ll ever meet can usher in a heavenly brilliance of perfecting eternity.
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9
Oh, that acquaintance from high school? As we were catching up, I learned the past three decades had been hard for her too. She’d walked through a horrific car accident, lost a child and a husband, had to have major plastic surgery after the car accident, lived in major pain daily. We all have a story, a story that only Grace can cover.
