in my experience, fear will try to drown you

I can’t even begin to tell you how many conversations with my husband have started with the phrase “𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘐 𝘥𝘪𝘥 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘨𝘰 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘰𝘮.” 

I’m not talking about sitting in there elaborately fixing hair and make up. I’m talking about just a really quick, just a second, kind of deal. At the time, we had no TV to babysit the children and they really were happily swinging on a swing set (𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘳𝘦𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦, 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘨𝘦𝘴 5-13). It felt harmless-big words for this helicopter mama.

𝙄 𝙩𝙝𝙤𝙪𝙜𝙝𝙩 𝙖𝙡𝙡 𝙬𝙤𝙪𝙡𝙙 𝙗𝙚 𝙤𝙠𝙖𝙮.  

Our boys are fairly sweet, good kids... who still happen to be very fast and increasingly agile with a heart for mischief(so yeah, there’s that too).

I peeked out the bathroom window and 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯’𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦. I quickly washed my hands and peeked out the dining room window and 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯’𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘦𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳. 𝙏𝙝𝙚𝙣 𝙢𝙮 𝙝𝙚𝙖𝙧𝙩 𝙨𝙪𝙣𝙠; because, when I looked out the back window, all I saw was a tricycle floating in a pond at the other end of the property. 

Now for all the special-needs parents, you know 𝙚𝙭𝙖𝙘𝙩𝙡𝙮 where my heart went. When you have lived in the land of statistics, it’s hard not to remember those statistics when you look out there and you don’t see any of your children, 𝘣𝘶𝘶𝘶𝘵 you see a tricycle floating in the middle of a pond.  

So, I did exactly what every mother would-I started screaming like a crazy mama bear who can’t find her cubs. I grabbed my phone, took a quick picture, and texted our family emergency password to my husband.  To this day, I have no clue if he called back or texted back. I just know that he was there in less than 20 minutes(by then I had found the mancubs-𝘸𝘦’𝘭𝘭 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘪𝘯 𝘢 𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘶𝘵𝘦).

Fear was gripping me tight at the tenderest parts of my heart and I felt nauseated and couldn’t breathe knowing the biggest fear of my life may very well be floating in front of me.  Looking at that picture five years later, something inside of me still sinks heavy from the weight of all of that fear. 

𝙏𝙝𝙖𝙩’𝙨 𝙝𝙤𝙬 𝙛𝙚𝙖𝙧 𝙩𝙚𝙖𝙘𝙝𝙚𝙨 𝙪𝙨.

Your fear may not be a floating tricycle, but 𝙛𝙚𝙖𝙧 𝙠𝙣𝙤𝙬𝙨 𝙚𝙭𝙖𝙘𝙩𝙡𝙮 𝙝𝙤𝙬 𝙩𝙤 𝙜𝙚𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙮𝙤𝙪. 

It may be your relationships or your family or a job that you love or an education you are working so hard for. It may be a marriage that you are giving everything you have to save. 

Whatever your fear is, fear is a pesky beast that knows exactly how to find you. There’s nothing you can do to make it not exist, BUT how you approach it and how you deal with it and how you choose to put fear to the side(instead of giving it permission to stand in front of you and block you) will make a difference.

For me? The first thing that crept out of my soul were three words that caused me to pause and focus so I could find my babies. 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘦𝘦 𝘴𝘪𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘥𝘴 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦 “𝙅𝙚𝙨𝙪𝙨, 𝙥𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙨𝙚 𝙝𝙚𝙡𝙥!” 

𝘐𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘧𝘢𝘴𝘵, 𝘪𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘴𝘪𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘦, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘪𝘵 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘬𝘦𝘥.  “𝙅𝙚𝙨𝙪𝙨, 𝙥𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙨𝙚 𝙝𝙚𝙡𝙥” was the pause to help me realize I would never find my babies if I stood there letting fear have the final say. 

Nope.  Fear HAD to step aside and I couldn’t do it by myself. “𝙅𝙚𝙨𝙪𝙨, 𝙥𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙨𝙚 𝙝𝙚𝙡𝙥” gave me a crucial pause and a chance to focus on what was really important.

I started hearing echoing giggles from those pine trees you see in the background of the picture. My four precious wild blessings were hiding in those pine trees, but close enough to watch me running around like a mama bear. 

𝘛𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘳𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘦𝘧 𝘧𝘭𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘥 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘢𝘣𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘨𝘳𝘢𝘤𝘦.

Fear would have loved to drown me that morning and fear would love to grip and drown you at the most tender places of your heart, too. 

Those moments when fear tries to grab you and pull you down? 𝘗𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦. 𝘉𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘦.  “𝙅𝙚𝙨𝙪𝙨, 𝙥𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙨𝙚 𝙝𝙚𝙡𝙥.”